I Found Peace

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I am at peace. I am at peace with myself. I am at peace with my circumstances. I am at peace with the past and with God.

I didn’t have a mountain top experience nor was it a sudden revelation, I just came to be. A coworker this week mentioned that I have a different look on my face than I had in recent months. I believe my period of mourning has lifted and new life has sprung forth.

I have to say the last six years of my life have been the most difficult I’ve ever experienced. I have detailed these struggles on this blog and I believe this period of darkness inspired some of my best work. If you’re new to the blog, I briefly recap what the last six years has been like- I left a church I had been apart of for fourteen years and the changing spiritual dynamics left me wandering and questioning God. I was hospitalized with anemia,which I found out a year later was caused by Celiac disease. I was laid off from a job, which sent my career in a tailspin. Recurring flare-ups of my Ulcerative Colitis, my nephew’s suicide, my battles with anxiety and depression, and being blindsided by a divorce after eighteen years of marriage.

I was a broken man. My mind, body, and spirit were broken. I felt so hopeless and alone. I know that I wasn’t alone because I had the support of my family and my family of coworkers. I went back to church and joined a men’s group and heard the stories of men who were in my same situation. I sold the house my ex-wife and I built together, which was a burden off of my shoulders and a boost to my mental and financial health.

When I think about my struggles, I’m reminded of two Bible verses, Philippians 4:7 and Romans 8:28. To summarize, Philippians 4:7 discusses a peace that transcends all understanding, while Romans 8:28 talks about how God uses all things to work together for our good. These Scriptures don’t say that everything that happens to us will be good, but we can have a peaceful heart in the worst of times. I memorized Romans 8:28 and Philippians 4:7 when I first became a Christian, but the truth of those verses have really sank into my heart.

At the beginning of the year, I posted about this year being a year of restoration, and it has become that, a period of restoration. Being at peace doesn’t mean that everything has worked out and is resolved like a sitcom, drama or movie. Finding peace means that no matter what happens, you’ll be okay. You’ve made it through previous hard times and you’re going to get through this.

 

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The Countdown has Begun

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The house has been sold.  This house represents seventeen-and-a-half years of memories, but it is now symbolic of a broken home. My ex-wife and I built this house together and that is why staying here was taking a toll on my mental health.

After speaking with family and a few close friends, I decided the best thing to do would be to put the house on the market. The real estate market is hot in my area and my house sold in three days. While cause for celebration, the quick sell accelerated my timeline for finding a new place.

I am happy to be moving and beginning this new journey of my life. I’ll be moving into an apartment for the next year so I can figure out the next steps. I have no problem in living in a smaller space or downsizing my stuff because I’ve learned not to measure my value or success by the things I own.

I never thought I would be starting over at this stage of my life, but here I am. If you think about it, each day gives us a chance to start afresh. While the thought of the additional packing and cleaning wears me out, I am balanced with the expectation of a clean slate. Yes, selling the house does not change the personal circumstances- the divorce, the toll on my mental health, or what the future holds, but this is for the best. I had to do what was best for me.

 

Needless Reminders of the Past

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By Michael W. Raley

I try to move onto a hopeful future,

Only to find others continuously reminding me of the past.

Every failure, every misstep, and every mistake,

Is recalled  with ultra high definition memory.

I’ve had to battle my own thoughts and anxieties on the subject

And I don’t need to be piled on like this.

I know what happened was traumatic and sudden,

But I can’t do anything about it.

We must adapt and accept the new reality,

My current scene in the great cosmic play of life.

Those old wounds will never heal

If you keep messing with the scabs.

Let us learn to dwell in the present

Because I don’t live in the past anymore.

 

A Year of Restoration

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As 2018 ended and 2019 began, the word restoration kept springing to mind. To restore something whether it be a relationship, physical health, or house, simply means to bring an item back to its original state. Restoration is my word for the year as I seek to rebuild my relationship with God and my life.

Restoration in the Bible, like our word in English, can mean many things, such as the restoration brought about by prophecy, healing, the restoration of the Temple, and the restoration of the merciful/righteous. My focus on restoration will be the aspect of returning to God after a period of sin and trials.

2019 will mark twenty years since I first accepted Christ, and it has been a wild ride. I have faced many trials over the course of these years, which have often led to me questioning God’s plan, my decision making, leaving church, going back to church, and so on and so forth. I truly admire those who have spent their lives serving God without reservation or hesitation. I would like to get to that point and stay there.

This year I am working on restoring my relationship with God, while continuing to grow as an individual. There are numerous verses, Old and New Testament, concerning coming back to God after sin and trials. I would like to share a few of them.

“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” -1 Peter 5:10 (NIV).

“And when you and your children return to the Lord your God and obey Him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I’ve commanded you today, then the Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where He scattered you.” -Deuteronomy 30:2-3 (NIV).

“Restore us, God Almighty; make your face shine on us, that we may be saved.” -Psalm 80, verses 3, 7, and 10 (NIV).

As we go forward into this year, let us be mindful of God’s grace. No matter what we’ve gone through, even if the situation pushed us away from God, we can always come back to Him. God bless.

The Loneliness Strikes at Night

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By Michael W. Raley

The loneliness strikes at night,

Right before time to go to sleep.

I don’t want to be alone,

So I try to put off the inevitable.

I stay up, fighting the loneliness until I’m exhausted,

Before finally going to sleep.

The next battle is trying to stay asleep,

As I toss and turn in weariness.

I wake up just as exhausted

As when I went to bed.

This house is just too big and too quiet

Without you here.

I’m over the heartbreak,

I have yet to adjust to sleeping alone.

Where I used to reach out and hold you,

I now grasp at the empty space.

It’s on the Cards

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Mailing out Christmas cards to family and friends is along held tradition for many people. Even in the age of social media, I still receive cards in the mail. I’ve never been much of a card sender (I’ve given cards out in person at family gatherings), but I still enjoy receiving cards.

This Christmas season, however, things are different. My divorce became final on November 29, 2018. Every card I received is addressed to me only, another subtle reminder of “the new normal.”I’m not saddened by it or anything, it’s just feels weird. My ex-wife and I lived in this same house for sixteen of our eighteen years of marriage and the Christmas cards came with both of our names on them. Now it’s just me.

I know getting over a divorce or any other life changing event is a process- spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially. I am making adjustments day by day to be a better person and to find my way on my own. I have taken this time to count my blessings- my family has been very supportive, friends have reached out, I’ve joined a men’s group at church, I am more open and social at work, my ex-wife and I are on friendly terms, and my dogs are still crazy about me.

The holidays are often a depressing time for so many people and I’m trying to avoid that fate. I might be lonely, but I know I’m not alone. I will survive this Christmas and I know I will thrive in the new year.

Love’s Regret

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By Michael W. Raley

How could I have missed the signs

When they were in front of me the whole time?

Was I in denial and refused

To believe the real truth about you?

My heart has ached over this pain

And my body’s energy has been drained

Because this decision has cost me years,

Many restless nights, anxiety, and tears.

I wanted to believe that I made the right choice

As I drowned out the doubts of my inner voice.

This one time I ignored reason and went with emotion

While ignoring the red flags and commotion

Has cost me dearly,

For my soul is broken and weary.

You are gone and life has been turned upside down,

As you are on the other side of town.

I will fall in love again,

I just don’t know when.

Nevertheless, the work begins on rebuilding my spirit,

The inner me, who will escape from this pit.

The Awkward In-Between

By Michael W. Raley

For a once solid relationship,

Which was built on love, trust, faith, laughs, and deep conversations,

The dynamics have changed forever.

Since you left,

The deafening sound of silence has dominated the conversation in this house.

We now talk occasionally and as always, with civility,

But something feels off to me.

I know this process has to run its course,

However, I now find myself in this awkward in-between,

Where I don’t know what to say to you,

As if we are strangers meeting for the first time.

We are both living our new lives

After half of a lifetime together.

I know I must adapt to the new reality

And find my own way without you.

 

 

Paperwork and Boxes

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By Michael W. Raley

I never thought it would happen to me.

I never thought that I would become a statistic,

But here I am.

You are ready to move on and leave me here.

Alone.

After every trial we faced,

Every obstacle we overcame,

This life we built together

Comes down to paperwork and boxes.

I thought we communicated well,

Yet our problems accumulated like the clutter

That has piled up in our home.

I didn’t want this,

I didn’t ask for this,

And I certainly don’t deserve this.

Yet here we are,

Deconstructing a life into paperwork and boxes.

The Unheeded Dangers

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By Michael W. Raley

I loved you for such a long time,

Maybe I took for granted you’d always be mine.

We had a life, we had a history;

We had love, we had an unspoken chemistry.

We have come to the end of this romantic episode,

As you are willing to leave and hit the road.

I know that in the course of relationships things change

And as situations occur, priorities get rearranged.

Unforunately, in this busyness and bustle,

Two people get lost in the shuffle

Of life, career, family, illness, money, it all piles on

And before you know it, those two youthful kids are gone.

The youthful kids are replaced by strangers

Who did not see the unheeded dangers.